Own your inner peace!

Few people would admit to feeling like a victim, when in truth, many of us totally play the role of victim without realizing it. Do you say that stuff happens "to you", and people "make you feel a certain way", or do accept that stuff happens around you and you can choose how to respond and that people behave in a certain way and you can choose how that will affect you?

Words and phrasing are very important to me. I am conscious of the words I use because I know that one, my own brain will believe what I tell it, and 2, when I'm addressing others, the right words, the right way of explaining an insight, can change a person's life by changing their own perspective, and our perspective is key to how we show up in our own lives.

The other day I was speaking with a client and she said, "Whenever I'm with my brother and his wife, they make me feel terrible about myself". I stopped her for a pause.

No one can "make us" feel terrible. Have you ever known someone who just can't be offended? They really just don't give a shit what anyone says about them? Be that person! We cannot control how other people act, what they say or do.  The only thing we can control is how we allow that to affect our lives and how we RESPOND to it. When we REACT we are inherently not in control because we are not pausing and considering our options. When we RESPOND, we consider out choices and can choose to not allow their behavior or words to affect our own emotions.

We give our inner peace away as easily as we pass salt at the dinner table, and often times people don't even have to ask for it! We read a news article that gives us angst…here's some of my inner peace…a relative behaves the exact same way they have behaved our entire lives and we get hurt or angry….here's some of my inner peace, take what you want….funny thing is, they don't want it!!! We give it and it's like a relay handoff where the baton is dropped. We give it, they ignore it and poof it's gone and the only one suffering the loss is the one that gave it away.

More often than not, it's not personal. Because we tend to live in the center of our own world we think everything is about us. It's not! Most people are so in their own heads they're not thinking about anyone else. We need to stop taking stuff personally!!!

I had this proven to me at a very young age. When I was 17 I started working at a leading cancer center in NYC. I did diagnostic studies and machines would break down and schedules would be thrown off, or a patient would get sick or take longer than anticipated. There were so many variables, but those variables were my problems to solve. The patients were doing their part, showing up for the test, sick as they were, scared as they were, trying to do what they needed to do to save their lives. In short, they were not at their best. They were, in fact, at their worst, at their most vulnerable, facing their own death or as parents, the death of a child, or a spouse or a parent. Even with all this, 99% of them were kind and gracious and understanding and inspirational that they could show up with positivity despite the challenges they were facing.

As part of these tests, patients had to have an IV injection, done by the nurses in my department. For those of you that don't know…and lucky you….chemo can wreak havoc with your veins, resulting in IV injections being very challenging. One of the nurses was venting one day about "the abusive patients". I was only 19 and even at that age, it just didn't sit well with me. Later that week the mother of 5 year old girl just lost it with me. The machine had broken down and when her sedated daughter arrived for the scan, we couldn't do it. The girl was going to have to be sedated again at a later time. Clearly it wasn't my fault, but it wasn't the mother's choice for her beautiful little girl to have cancer either. I stood there letting her yell, apologizing as much as I could and telling her I totally understood the frustration.

On my way home I kind of worked it all out. I was not going home to a 5 year old with cancer. If her yelling at me allowed her some opportunity to vent her frustration with the world, bring it on momma, I can handle it. I would never want to be in her shoes. I thought about my colleague who felt the patients were "abusive" and realized that she had made their suffering about her. She was taking things personally that had nothing to do with her. Abusive is such a personal word. As if these sick people who have been poked and prodded and poisoned and cut open and irradiated, all in the hope of not dying, premeditated being rude to the nurse that couldn't find a vein in their tortured bodies. It wasn't about her. It wasn't about anything except a sick person being sick.

One of the big problems with taking stuff personally is that we lose the opportunity to develop compassion and empathy and, therefor, to really connect with other people. The next time that little 5 year old came down, sedated again, for her scan, I wasn't on the machine that was going to be used. The mother, who had been in and out of my department for over a year and was never particularly friendly, said with zero judgment or criticism, sought me out, gave me hug and through tears apologized for yelling at me and thanked me for listening. I'm crying as I right this, recounting this moment of clarity in my life.

Our words make a difference. I'm sorry… I understand… These two phrases can start some of the most powerful sentences, or they can stand alone. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand this must be so hard. I'm sorry I hurt you. I understand what you're going through….only if you really do! Don't make it about you by giving some unrelated example just to put the focus on yourself. And yes, we all do that without realizing it! You don't have to prove that you understand. When my husband died people would say "I can't imagine what you're going through". I would respond that I was glad they couldn't imagine it because it was horrible and I would never want them to know what it felt like! They didn't have to know it first hand to know it sucked, and I appreciated their sympathy.

In 12 Step work there's aN acronym…12 Step programs are great for slogans and acronyms that really simplify things…the acronym here is:

QTIP…QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY 

It's usually not about you and even if you're sure it is, whether or not you care is totally your choice. Your emotions are your responsibility, no one else's, without exception. Don't give away your peace, your joy or your serenity to anyone, under any circumstances. No one will win and only you will lose. Own your own happiness…be the steward of your own joy!

Lots of love

patty